Warning: this blog shows incredible weakness in myself…this is not meant for me to “show” or “teach” anyone…but to simply share the Holy Spirit’s work in my heart for you all to be challenged and encouraged.
Ah, have you ever woken up in the morning and just had a heavy heart? Not just a feeling of “blah-ness” but a heart that is heavily burdened. Even further, have you ever woken up with a heavy heart and not known why? Monday morning I had one of those occurrences. It’s amazing how frequent they become when heavily involved in ministry. Never would I ever blame God’s calling on my life as a reason for heart problems relating to sin; I have just realized that when heavily involved in God’s work, there is a very real soberness that the Holy Spirit heightens in me related to my sin. It is an incredible blessing but also a very real slap in the face!
Thus, as I woke up from sleeping (which by the way, I love to sleep) my heart felt extremely heavy. I laid in bed for a little bit trying to figure out what the heck was going on. There has been a lot going on in my life for sure, but nothing was going wrong. In fact, quite a lot is going well. Yet, my heart was the heaviest it’s been, at least since I’ve been in ministry (interning). I got up and jumped in the shower to start the day off like I normally do, hoping that my heart was just disappointed in some little thing that I had forgotten about – maybe that I had to make a car payment, pay my phone bill, get gas…something!
As I took a shower I just simply began to pray. (Sorry if you think that’s T.M.I., a lot of my simple conversations with God happen either in the shower or as I’m getting ready for the day.) As I began to pray, I simply asked if God could reveal exactly what was wrong. I began asking questions: do I not trust You? Am I battling an indwelling sin in my life? Do I need to seek someone out to ask forgiveness? I felt like a kid when my dad would call me at lunch time and say, “Ryan, when I get home we’re going to talk.” WHAT?! Did I do something wrong? What’s the deal? I again didn’t figure out what was going on in my heart…I just knew something was wrong.
I drove to the church offices in a “blah” mental/heart state. I arrived and instantly went into our Student Ministry meeting. I sat through the entire 90 minute meeting fully engaged but fully aware that my heart was not in the right place. We finished the meeting and I instantly went into my intern office and sought out God’s word and deep prayer. It was bugging me and it was too much!
As I was in prayer before the throne of our gracious God, it hit me…and I hated it! It took me a bit to figure it all out. I got hit smack in the stomach. Everything hit me…my walk with God, my role in ministry, my leadership and involvement in my relationship with Jessica (my girlfriend)…it was all on edge. I was dissatisfied with everything; with where I was in everything. My walk with the Lord was not at the place I wanted it, my role as an intern was not where I wanted it, and my relationship was not exactly where I wanted it. Nothing in these things was drastically off, bad, or largely serious…what was extremely serious to the point that made my heart SO HEAVY was why these things were not where they should be. God had spoken to me very clearly. “Ryan…YOU ARE PRIDEFUL…dangerously prideful! And it is ruining the amazing gifts and blessings I have given to you.”
Ya, that was NOT at all what I wanted to hear. Dang it! I was so upset. I literally fought it for awhile. I tried to blame the different situations that my pride was affecting – aka blaming the fruit instead of the roots. My heart had become arrogant. I spent the rest of the day fighting, arguing, wrestling with God, not on whether my heart was prideful, but why.
I have struggled my entire life with the amazing blessings and grace God has given to me. He has been so kind, so gracious, and so loving to me and my life. Yet, I always find ways to take those gifts and claim them as mine. This is the exact opposite of the biblical definition of humility. Biblically defined, humility is the habitual heart and mindset of a child of God who feels not solely that he owes all his natural gifts, etc., to God, but that he has been the beneficiary and object of an unmerited redeeming love, and who views himself as being not his own, but God's through Christ’s redemptive work on the cross.
So, I went through the entire rest of the day with a floored, humbled, almost sickly heart before my Savior. I went through the entire rest of the day seeking forgiveness in my heart for being SO arrogant in every aspect of my life.
Earlier in the day I had emailed my mommy and had asked for prayer with my heart and pride. Being the incredible woman of God and phenomenal mother that she is, she sent me a passage in Jeremiah that completely hit home for me. "Thus says the Lord: 'Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts, boast in this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord'" Jeremiah 9:23-24.
Check out this amazing grace that God works for those who are His. God, in His incredible grace and mercy gives us wisdom, gifts, and many other things! It is not arrogance to accept the gifts God has given nor is it arrogance to declare the gifts God has given. It is pride when we put our identity in those gifts (that aren’t even our own). We are called to find our identity in the amazing love of God, displayed in and through the work of the Cross! I had put my identity and worth in myself and my gifts. I now had to realign that identity and worth and cling desperately to the foot of the Cross!
I definitely had a rough day a couple days ago. The Holy Spirit pretty much shut me down and lowered me like I’ve never been lowered before. I know that practicing humility and putting off pride will be a lifelong process, but I am excited to not boast in my own accomplishments, blessings, and gifting...I’m excited that I CAN’T boast in them. I am excited to turn everything back to the Lord and receive the blessing and delight the Lord gives for those who are humble.
Thus, as I woke up from sleeping (which by the way, I love to sleep) my heart felt extremely heavy. I laid in bed for a little bit trying to figure out what the heck was going on. There has been a lot going on in my life for sure, but nothing was going wrong. In fact, quite a lot is going well. Yet, my heart was the heaviest it’s been, at least since I’ve been in ministry (interning). I got up and jumped in the shower to start the day off like I normally do, hoping that my heart was just disappointed in some little thing that I had forgotten about – maybe that I had to make a car payment, pay my phone bill, get gas…something!
As I took a shower I just simply began to pray. (Sorry if you think that’s T.M.I., a lot of my simple conversations with God happen either in the shower or as I’m getting ready for the day.) As I began to pray, I simply asked if God could reveal exactly what was wrong. I began asking questions: do I not trust You? Am I battling an indwelling sin in my life? Do I need to seek someone out to ask forgiveness? I felt like a kid when my dad would call me at lunch time and say, “Ryan, when I get home we’re going to talk.” WHAT?! Did I do something wrong? What’s the deal? I again didn’t figure out what was going on in my heart…I just knew something was wrong.
I drove to the church offices in a “blah” mental/heart state. I arrived and instantly went into our Student Ministry meeting. I sat through the entire 90 minute meeting fully engaged but fully aware that my heart was not in the right place. We finished the meeting and I instantly went into my intern office and sought out God’s word and deep prayer. It was bugging me and it was too much!
As I was in prayer before the throne of our gracious God, it hit me…and I hated it! It took me a bit to figure it all out. I got hit smack in the stomach. Everything hit me…my walk with God, my role in ministry, my leadership and involvement in my relationship with Jessica (my girlfriend)…it was all on edge. I was dissatisfied with everything; with where I was in everything. My walk with the Lord was not at the place I wanted it, my role as an intern was not where I wanted it, and my relationship was not exactly where I wanted it. Nothing in these things was drastically off, bad, or largely serious…what was extremely serious to the point that made my heart SO HEAVY was why these things were not where they should be. God had spoken to me very clearly. “Ryan…YOU ARE PRIDEFUL…dangerously prideful! And it is ruining the amazing gifts and blessings I have given to you.”
Ya, that was NOT at all what I wanted to hear. Dang it! I was so upset. I literally fought it for awhile. I tried to blame the different situations that my pride was affecting – aka blaming the fruit instead of the roots. My heart had become arrogant. I spent the rest of the day fighting, arguing, wrestling with God, not on whether my heart was prideful, but why.
I have struggled my entire life with the amazing blessings and grace God has given to me. He has been so kind, so gracious, and so loving to me and my life. Yet, I always find ways to take those gifts and claim them as mine. This is the exact opposite of the biblical definition of humility. Biblically defined, humility is the habitual heart and mindset of a child of God who feels not solely that he owes all his natural gifts, etc., to God, but that he has been the beneficiary and object of an unmerited redeeming love, and who views himself as being not his own, but God's through Christ’s redemptive work on the cross.
So, I went through the entire rest of the day with a floored, humbled, almost sickly heart before my Savior. I went through the entire rest of the day seeking forgiveness in my heart for being SO arrogant in every aspect of my life.
Earlier in the day I had emailed my mommy and had asked for prayer with my heart and pride. Being the incredible woman of God and phenomenal mother that she is, she sent me a passage in Jeremiah that completely hit home for me. "Thus says the Lord: 'Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts, boast in this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord'" Jeremiah 9:23-24.
Check out this amazing grace that God works for those who are His. God, in His incredible grace and mercy gives us wisdom, gifts, and many other things! It is not arrogance to accept the gifts God has given nor is it arrogance to declare the gifts God has given. It is pride when we put our identity in those gifts (that aren’t even our own). We are called to find our identity in the amazing love of God, displayed in and through the work of the Cross! I had put my identity and worth in myself and my gifts. I now had to realign that identity and worth and cling desperately to the foot of the Cross!
I definitely had a rough day a couple days ago. The Holy Spirit pretty much shut me down and lowered me like I’ve never been lowered before. I know that practicing humility and putting off pride will be a lifelong process, but I am excited to not boast in my own accomplishments, blessings, and gifting...I’m excited that I CAN’T boast in them. I am excited to turn everything back to the Lord and receive the blessing and delight the Lord gives for those who are humble.
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction." Proverbs 1:7
ReplyDeleteTake the instruction He has given and use it for His glory Ryan.